In Praise of Guilt and Shame
Epilogue, The Tensions Between Love and Self-Care
In the last post I pointed to research I discuss in The Shape of Joy about how mindfulness can interfere with social repair. When we ignore emotions prompting us to make amends we can fail to engage in the difficult and embarrassing work of mending our relationships. The point I was drawing our attention to is how negative emotions aren't inherently bad. Emotions exist for reasons. Emotions communicate information. And when it comes to acting rightly we need to attend to that information and respond accordingly.
And yet, we live in an increasingly therapeutic culture where negative emotions are routinely pathologized. To feel "bad", about anything, is considered a problem, a disease-state. As a parallel development, consider how the opioid crisis was fueled by pharmaceutical companies, like Purdue Pharma, who wanted to start a "pain revolution." Instead of viewing pain as information about an underlying condition, pain itself was the "disease" requiring "treatment." To be sure, those suffering from chronic, debilitating pain require assistance. The same way, to switch back to mental health, people suffering from severe depression require assistance. But in treating all pain as pathological the medical industry began to overprescribe powerful pain-killers.
I bring up the opioid crisis as an illustration of a broad culture shift toward viewing any sort of pain, physical or psychic, as something that must be therapeutically escaped.
A related example concerns the issue of generational "coddling." I have no interest in shaming younger generations for being "snowflakes." But insofar as young people struggle with tolerating emotional pain, discomfort, and distress, this is another example of how any negative emotion, no matter how mild, is assumed to demand therapeutic attention and social accommodation.
Here is where I also think some clarification is needed when it comes to what has been called "moralistic therapeutic deism." In my work, like The Shape of Joy, I've pointed to the mental health benefits of transcendence. Faith and spirituality are good for your mental health. But when I've made this observation among theologians and pastors I've regularly gotten this pushback: "But isn't that moralistic therapeutic deism?" To which I respond, "Didn't Augustine say our hearts are restless until they rest in God?" And what about all those passages in the Bible about the peace and joy of the Christian life? Are pastors and theologians denying these effects in our lives? In short, there seems to be some confusion about the word "therapeutic." Because of this, I've made the argument in this space that the word "therapeutic" in "moralistic therapeutic deism" was a poor word choice. Specifically, as we've been discussing, "therapy" may or may not be warranted depending upon the severity of the condition. Chronic pain and severe depression demand therapeutic attention. But our general and pervasive experiences of everyday pain and discomfort don't require therapeutic intervention. Which is why the word "therapeutic" was poorly chosen. By "therapeutic" we really mean demanding therapy for something that doesn't require therapy. We're asking for OxyContin to treat a mild headache. By "therapeutic" you don't mean legitimate therapy, you mean the therapeutic creep into everyday life, the pathologizing of mundane discomfort.
Properly understood, what moralistic therapeutic deism is talking about isn't our inner Augustinian restlessness, or how faith and spirituality contribute to mental health. What we're talking about, to return to the point, is how young people think God doesn't want them to "feel bad" about anything. But as this series has pointed out, God actually does want us to feel bad about some things. God uses shame and guilt to prompt "godly sorrow" and repentance. Once this is clarified the concerns about moralistic therapeutic deism become obvious. If we remove negative emotions such as "godly sorrow" from our lives our spiritual development will become stunted. Faith becomes a self-care technique rather than a movement into spiritual maturity. The workout refrain "no pain, no gain" is relevant here.
Which brings me to my final point. There's a tension between love and self-care. To return to the observation about mindfulness and social repair, we grow into love when we respond to emotions of shame and guilt and make amends in our relationships. Saying you're sorry is no fun, but enduring that discomfort is the path forward. No pain, no gain. To retreat into self-care in the face of moral demands and duties is to avoid stepping into spiritual maturity. As Carl Jung once said, neurosis is the avoidance of legitimate suffering. To be sure, self-care is vital and necessary, but we need to be alert to how we may be treating negative emotions as disease-states instead of prompting us to do the hard things love demands.
“……….to do the hard things love demands.”
Living with and accepting our mistakes from the past, is one of the first and continuing steps towards Jesus, that we all must painfully make. The feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness that arise in our minds when we are faced with external criticism, far too easily embed themselves in our psyche. We need to allow ourselves to be forgiven and follow it forward with right action. One of the principles of ‘Self-Affirmation’ (Self-Affirmation Theory) is that one’s “Self-Integrity is Flexible”. This is a beautiful truth because it allows us to deal with the ‘shame’ we absorb (and potentially deserve) and either transform it or reject it. When you fail in one area in your life, you need to remember it’s not just that event or thing that defines who you are; You have values and super strengths in other areas and domains of your life that support your integrity. Battling and creatively transforming the cognitive dissonance we experience when caught in self-contradiction, IS an extremely hard ongoing process, but our relationship with Him, propels us to do so for the sake of true love and internal peace.
Very interesting. This belief that to feel something ‘“bad”, negative emotions is then, “assumed to demand therapeutic attention and social accommodation” is an apt way of describing what I see as a definite cultural shift in the last decade. There is this implicit and explicit sense of “demand” that is projected. I see this in my secular work place with struggling young people. The levels of “accommodation” and the practical outworking of accommodating can feel ridiculous in the name of being “therapeutic” whilst NOT actually being true therapy, true intervention. True therapy IS needed. But amongst this genuine need for help, there is also this culture of demand and “you” need to be accommodating “me.” It is hard to explain, it is a complex environment! True therapy is very helpful. It is needed. 100% it is needed, but there is also this sense in the culture, from some, that it is their right to just live in a “therapeutic” world.
An example would be, I am not well enough to be discharged as I am still in pain. I am not cured. Or, it js okay for me to just sit in my room for hours, with the curtains shut, not being disturbed, doing nothing, comforted by my fluffy blanket and my cuddly, soft weighted toys with my sensory light on, projecting on the ceiling all day because I feel at peace in here. It is “therapeutic”. I am too anxious to leave my room. I have sensory issues, so I need to stay in my fluffy PJs. Real clothes irritate me. Oh and I don’t like shoes. I am slightly exaggerating, but this is what it can be like in the teenage culture, but it was NOT like this 15 years ago. The culture has changed. Just my observation.
Having said that the wider world has changed too. And, I must admit I would not want to be a teenager in this world. It is harder and much more complex to navigate then it was when I was a teenager. And, it is great that teenage voices are heard and that they are respected. It is very precious to hear what they have to say.
In terms of the transcendent. For my own personal emotional, psychological pain and angst, I am asking Jesus, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to help me feel less afraid and anxious. He told us to NOT be anxious about anything. I am working very hard on this , it is my wrestle with God, clinging to Jesus. My fear and anxiety is not a clinical issue - it is circumstantial and due to a series of unexpected events. But,from a personal growth point of view, I have also been asking God to help feel ‘joy’ despite the circumstances in the same way the apostle Paul says he learnt to overcome, to feel joy in all circumstances, to transcend in the power of the spirit.
I agree we should not deny our emotions, deny the realities of the every day, like a kind of Gnosticism, we need to face head on what is screaming at us. But, I do think that the transcendent is the most hopeful and helpful solution, it helps with mental health. Touching the divine, fusing our fallen human nature with the divine helps with mental health, along with transformation.
Yes, I agree we need to separate out the power & fruits of the Holy Spirit, our relationship with God, our ‘in Christ’ existence from the word ‘therapeutic’. But, interestingly, the benefits of of our connection with God can release feelings of peace, calm and joy which is what mindfulness and therapeutic practises, environments are seeking to do.
I guess, fundamentally, ultimately, I believe Jesus is the answer. He takes us through the pain, he doesn’t usually bypass the pain. Well, that is my experience anyway. He is the way.