In Praise of Guilt and Shame
Part 2, Mindfulness and the Avoidance of Social Repair
As I discussed in the last post, emotions such as guilt and shame are vitally important social and moral emotions. We possess these emotions to prompt moral responsibility and social repair. Guilt and shame are not pathological. They are not diseased. True, like any negative emotion, guilt and shame can become dysfunctional, but this is a deviation from their normal, natural, and healthy roles.
That such obvious truths about guilt and shame need to be pointed out goes to our therapeutic culture, where any negative emotional state is considered to be pathological. To feel "bad" in any way is deemed unhealthy. If we feel negative emotions the recommendation is to engage in "self-care" to return to a state of inner peace and tranquility. One of these practices is mindfulness.
As you know, mindfulness is everywhere now. Practicing being aware, grounded, and present is a powerful tool in dealing with stress and negative emotions. Consequently, practicing mindfulness is a widely recommended self-care intervention. Back when I was in graduate school a professor of mine called relaxation training "the aspirin of therapy" because it helped with just about everything. Mindfulness, as the newest version of relaxation therapy, is similar: it helps with just about everything.
But not, it seems, when it comes to social repair.
Again, if the negative emotions of guilt and shame exist to prompt moral and relational work, what happens if, through self-care techniques, we dampen and escape these emotions? What are the consequences of using mindfulness to dissipate guilt and shame?
As I recount in The Shape of Joy, a series of studies done by the psychologists Andrew Hafenbrack, Matthew LaPalme, and Isabelle Solal have shown that mindfulness, by reducing guilt and shame, interfere with social repair. Basically, mindfulness subverts making amends when we've failed or hurt others. This should make sense. If guilt and shame are the emotions that prompt social repair, then using self-care techniques to avoid these emotions would undermine the behaviors these emotions were motivating and encouraging. As I point out in The Shape of Joy, the pursuit of self-care can undermine assumption of our moral duties and responsibilities. Sometimes we need to let guilt and shame do their proper work in our lives.
I think this is interesting. I work in an environment, amongst teenagers who seem to have this belief that they should not experience any negative emotions. Feeling “anxiety” is often seen as purely pathological, a clinical problem that needs solving, even by those with just normal every day life anxiety. But, I often explain to the young people I work with, that I have bouts of anxiety everyday too, and that this is just part of life, being human. Much of feeling anxiety is normal. Anxiety cannot be avoided if they want to progress, develop and move forward. It doesn’t always mean they have a mental illness.
But, they seem to believe they should feel comfort ALL the time. And, if they feel anxious then they should be able, even entitled to avoid anything that causes them to feel anxious. It is a trap. It is a new cultural norm I feel.
Grounding and mindfulness techniques are used all the time where I work, it is part of the culture. They do calm the nervous system down which can be very helpful. But, I get that they can be masking reality and mean that they are actually shutting down what their emotions are trying to tell them. In some cases, mindfulness can feel like a form of avoidance to be honest, Self-medication in the same way their vapes are. It can also mean they become quite self-absorbed in their own space. Yes, they feel at peace but they are isolated, immersed in a therapeutic bubble. I like the idea that experiencing negative emotions are a trigger, a tool for ‘adaptive’ purposes.
And, I like the idea of seeing shame and guilt as as a trigger for ‘social repair.’ I think this can apply to both the perpetrators AND to the victim’s. Acknowledging guilt can lead to true to repentance, transformation - potentially social repair. On the other hand, when a young person feels shame for being, let’s say abused, it can be hard for them to disclose this - due to fear and shame. The shame can be deeply embedded, deeply personal to them. But, their shame is telling them that something has gone wrong in their social fabric and they know it.
Interesting.
Thank you for bringing this up. It is a big discussion and one that takes us in many directions. We are in the land of fools gold.