The Trap of Self-Esteem
One of the arguments I make in The Shape of Joy is that much of our mental health crisis can be placed upon the widespread assumption that mental health flows from cultivating self-esteem. This pursuit of self-esteem governs much of our parenting, self-help, and therapeutic recommendations. And yet, as I describe in The Shape of Joy, this attempt at mental health through self-regard has proved disastrous. And it's not hard to see why. Consider some of self-esteem's history.
Self-esteem was first described in 1890 by William James in his influential book Principles of Psychology, one of the very first psychology textbooks. In Principles James, for the first time in history, describes and defines "self-esteem," and he does so by offering a psychological equation. Specifically:
Self-esteem = Successes / Pretensions
According to James, self-esteem is an emotional feedback system that reflects the degree to which we have successfully accomplished our goals and dreams, our "pretensions." Even more simply, self-esteem measures the gap between the life you have versus the life you want, the distance between your actual life and your ideal life.
This equation makes sense. Whenever we accomplish our goals, whenever our dreams are realized, we feel a flush of pride and satisfaction. By contrast, whenever we fail or experience setback and dissatisfaction we feel sad and insecure. In short, self-esteem is that feedback system in your head that keeps track of how well your life is going.
As a feedback system, the variable nature of self-esteem makes it a poor choice for a foundation of mental health. Self-esteem isn't constant and steady. Self-esteem goes up and down, reflecting how my life is unfolding, for good or ill. What that means is that mental health has become for us the constant monitoring, managing, and rehabilitation of our self-regard. And that effort is difficult, exhausting, and interminable. Worse, as I recount in The Shape of Joy, it's counterproductive as we keep throwing people back inside themselves to secure an elusive happiness and joy. Our lives are spent chasing thoughts in our own minds. And this self-referentiality is only making us sicker and sicker.
Thank you, Richard. If I'm allowed to inject a little humor into such an important subject, I have often felt that if I really want to jinx a day all I have to do is start messing around with positive thinking. On the serious side, I can't always conjure up self esteem...but I know how to say "thank you"...which is one of the reasons I still believe in God...I need someone to hear it.
Just finished The Shape of Joy. This book challenged, validated and encouraged me in so many ways. I wish I could buy a box full and distribute, but that's usually not the best way to get others to read it.
I've been chatting about it though, to many people. The cigarette of self-esteem, the hexagon of the ego, the beauty of humility, coming out of the cave to bask in the sun, the beauty of transcendence. I'll re-read it. I'll re-read Magic Eels.
Your writing is clear and persuasive. I love how you challenge cultural narratives of self-esteem, yes, and, naming the value of guilt and shame, and how we get to repair.
I love your stories too, of Mr. Kenneth, and of the green Buick, and of your friend, Miss Beth of the Dollar Tree Princess Tiara. Love calls us out into the sunshine.
Thank-you for writing.