The Stress Tests of Humility

As I've shared in this space, the virtue of humility plays a featured role in the story I tell in The Shape of Joy about mental health and well-being.

One of the more interesting conversations in the research literature concerns if humility is primarily an egoic or relational virtue. Most people, when they think about and describe humility, consider it to be an ego-focused virtue, an internal stance we take toward ourselves by way of self-perception, self-focus, and self-absorption. As I describe in The Shape of Joy, humble people have an accurate (rather than distorted) perception of themselves, are hypo-egoic (self-forgetful), and are other-focused (rather than self-focused).

But humility can also be described as a interpersonal capacity, what is called "relational humility." This view is also called the "social oil" theory. Humility, as a relational capacity, is a social lubricant that reduces interpersonal frictions, irritants, and conflicts. Relationally humble people get along well with others, and this is humility's social magic.

Relational humility has implications for measurement and assessment. The ratings of others are privileged over self-report. If you want to know if I'm relationally humble you need to ask my family, my church, my friends, my co-workers, and my students.

The other implication for measurement and assessment is observing relational humility in situations where the virtue comes under stress. In the humility research psychologists have described the following locations as "stress tests" of humility:

• Seeking control, influence, or power within a group

• Interpersonal conflict

• Receiving praise or winning an award

• Sharing credit with others for accomplishments

• Receiving unfavorable or critical feedback

• Admitting and discussing one’s failures

• Taking ownership and responsibility for mistakes and hurtful behavior

• Apologizing to others

• Learning from others, being taught

• Interacting with those of lower status

You might think of other situations where humility is put to the test. The point here is that these are the relational locations where humility either shines or fails. Our behavior in these moments becomes either oil or sand in the relational gears of life. Humble people share power, resolve conflicts, accept praise with modesty, spread credit, welcome critical feedback, admit failures, own their mistakes, quickly apologize, willingly learn from others, and treat people of lower status with dignity, care, and respect. Humble people pass the relational stress tests. People lacking in humility, by contrast, grasp at power, exacerbate conflict, bask in the limelight, hoard credit, get defensive facing criticism, hide their failures, avoid responsibility, fail to apologize, aren't teachable, and treat those of lower status with dismissive superiority.

True, at the root of these relational capacities are some egoic virtues. As I recently wrote about, humble people are amazingly healthy and grounded people. Humble people are practically saints, which has caused me to think, as I describe in The Shape of Joy, that there is more than "humility" going on here. Regardless, the point is clear that the truest tests of humility aren't egoic but relational.

To wrap up, what I, personally, like about the stress tests of humility is how they provide me with an inventory of locations where I can do some good self-examination. Instead of asking myself "Am I humble?" I can reflect upon how I behave, and have behaved, in very specific situations in my life. When it comes to relational humility, do I pass the tests?